After about six months, I went back to using women as a tool for getting myself off, but I would always picture Tyler when I did it. In the end, I gave up. I was a fucking pig. I used and abused women just so I could get my fix, but it never worked. It just made me angrier with myself and the level of self-disgust grew and grew. There was only ever one person for my salvation. Only one person could make me a better man. The day I found out she had never betrayed me like I thought she had all those years ago, my black heart suddenly turned the brightest of red. It took its first beat for her because she was the one and only woman for me.
I simply had to find her. There was no other way, no other option. She was mine and always would be. I had paid thousands upon thousands of pounds to find my Rosey, and I would pay a million more if I knew I could see her again. Losing her was never going to be an option for me. Even when I hunted her, stalked her, played with her emotions all those years, I knew she would never escape me.
With a shake of my head, I thought about everything I’d done to her. I even paid thousands on a fucking ex-movie make-up artist just so I could be the master of disguise so she wouldn’t recognize me. It sounded ludicrous, but it was true. I could be Dillon, the boy who stole her virginity; Andrew Walker, her boss; an average man walking on the fucking street. She wouldn’t have noticed. I had paid the best and got the best. She didn’t suspect a thing…for a while anyway.
Taking in a deep breath, I started my rampage on the punching bag. That was one thing I never lost. I always kept fit, always punched my frustration away in the hope I could feel better, even if it was for only a few minutes. I fed off on the endorphins as it was the only high I knew I could trust.
I punched and punched until my muscles cried out in pain. I was rock solid now, stronger than ever before. It was the only comfort I had now that Tyler was out of my life.
As I hit the bag once more, I stopped and looked in the mirror. I wasn’t at my mansion anymore. The mansion was long gone, along with all memories of what used to be. I was in my penthouse. It was my sanctuary, containing pictures and memories of Tyler. A reminder of something good and something pure in my life. She was the only reason I smiled these days. The only time I could ever smile was when I thought of her.
As I stared at myself, I looked at the latest tattoos I’d had done after Tyler left. One was a picture of Tyler when she was eight. I was standing in the park we sometimes played in and I had my arm around her. Even then, she looked in the camera with such intensity, it would take your breath away. Her hair was a mass of blonde waves back then, but it had straightened out over time. Her cheeks were as rosy as ever, and her eyes were, and still are, the most beautiful turquoise green. Whenever I looked into those eyes, it always reminded me of being on a tropical island where the sand was white and the sea was the most beautiful and clear turquoise green you had ever seen. Tyler was my tropical island. The only place I could finally call home and be who I once was.
The other tattoo was a reminder of what I did to her. It tortured me day after day because I needed it in order to see what I did to her. I would never truly heal from that day. I always knew I would carry that guilt for the rest of my life.
And I deserved it. I deserved every single fucking letter engraved into my chest. Something that would stare back at me in the mirror every morning. Something from which I could never escape. That tattoo had one name, and one name only…
It was something that stood out and would be a constant reminder of what I had done. What a monster I had become…and what I had lost.
I never knew that boy, but I would have liked to. If things had been different, Tyler and I could have raised him. I would have gladly done anything that would make her happy. Back then, I never knew, but now… Hey, hindsight is a fucking wonderful thing. Didn’t you just love that word? Didn’t it just tease you sometimes? Didn’t you wish you could take hindsight, kick it in the bollocks, and shove it up its own ass?
I can’t fault it. I did what I did and I have to pay. I fucked up the only person who could ever make me truly happy. And, in turn, she fucked me up, too. I deserved everything I got. I was the only person to blame in all of this. Ian did what he did and I was glad he’s dead because of it, but there was only one person to blame. And nothing was going to stop me until I made it right. Nothing or no one could stop me from making sure Tyler knew how much I loved her, how much I wanted to make her mine, and just how fucking sorry I was for what I did to her.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and headed for the shower. In a couple hours, I was supposed to be meeting Jimmy for lunch, so I needed to start getting ready. As I got out of the shower, I heard my intercom buzzing. I frowned because I wasn’t expecting anyone. Whoever it was, they were obviously frantic as the ringing just wouldn’t stop.