The longer it takes to get a reaction, the more worried I become. It seems like an eternity passes when, in reality, it’s probably only a minute or so. “Say something, babe,” I eventually blurt out. When she still doesn’t reply, I pluck up the courage to finally look her way.
Her head is facing forward, but I can clearly see she’s pissed. Fuck. She has every right to be. I’m now regretting my decision even more. I should’ve talked to her before going ahead with it. At the very least, I should’ve come clean sooner. I’m such a selfish prick sometimes.
I can’t even find the words to respond to him. I am beyond hurt … beyond angry. I can’t believe he’s gone and made such a huge decision without talking to me first.
“Indi, please talk to me,” Carter pleads. He’s got to be fucking kidding me. He wants me to talk to him? I’ve been practically begging him for weeks to open up to me. Fuck him. It’s a little late for words now. Words aren’t going to change things, the deed has already been done.
I need to get out of this car before I either cry, or physically hurt him. How could he do this to me, to us, to our family? I need some time to process this information. No, what I need to do is scream, or hit something. Anything to release this inferno that is now raging inside me.
I reach for the door handle and exit the car. “Indi,” Carter calls out, but I ignore him. I can’t even go up to our apartment, so I turn in the other direction and head towards the beach. I need space. I’m not even halfway across the road when Carter’s fingers wrap around my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Don’t run from me. Please, Indi. Talk to me. Scream at me. Anything.”
I angrily tug my arm out of his grip before turning to face him. My temper has now reached boiling point. “Talk,” I scream as I push on his chest with all my might. “Fucking talk. It’s a little late for that, Carter, don’t you think? I thought this marriage was a partnership. Shouldn’t I have some say in whether we have more children?” I shove him again. The tears are falling freely now. I can no longer hold them in. If he hadn’t just confessed to having a vasectomy, I’d be going ninja on his nuts right now.
To be honest, after what happened with Eve, I’m not sure if I could do it again. But now I don’t even have a choice. He stole that from me. Motherfucker.
This whole situation is fucked up. The delusional part of me actually thought she wouldn’t react as bad as she did. I did say the delusional part. The common sense part of me though, knew she would be angry. What have I done?
She turns to flee so I reach for her again, pulling her back against me. She’s not getting away from me until we hash this out. I wrap my arms around her waist, holding her back firmly against my chest. “Please hear me out, babe. Please,” I beg. I’m not sure if my explanation is going to cut it, but I need to do something to fix this.
“There’s nothing you can say that will make this better, Carter,” she confesses, before placing her hands over her face, sobbing.
I hate myself right now.
The last time I shed this many tears was the day Carter left me behind when we were teenagers. I never thought a day would come that he would make me feel so broken again.
I’m sure he had his reasons for doing what he did, nevertheless, I can’t help but feel betrayed and devastated by what he’s done. I will the tears to stop, but they don’t. I wish this wasn’t happening, but it is.
Carter continues to hold me tightly from behind, all the while whispering, “I’m sorry … I’m so sorry,” in my ear as he strokes my hair. It’s comforting and annoying all at the same time. That’s because I’m pissed with him.
If only he’d come to me first. We could’ve discussed this. We could’ve made a decision as a couple. That’s why I’m so upset. The fact that he felt so little of our union —of me. I thought we were a team. That’s how it’s always been, until now.
Then the faces of my three beautiful children enter my mind, and the sobs start again. Never again will I feel a life grow inside me. Never again will I experience the pure joy of meeting my child for the first time. The pain of childbirth, now that is something I can definitely do without. The thought of never experiencing the rest though, breaks my heart even further.
Carter turns me in his arms, hugging me tight to his chest. Part of me wants to push him away, but the other part needs his comfort. He’s my rock. The one who always picks up the pieces. I’ll always need him, love him, no matter what. That will never change. I’m just incredibly hurt by his decision right now.